lahoo.com

We might not openly tell it to others but I know deep inside ours we ask the question ‘What about me?’ Of course, Filipinos are known to be likely introvert and timid so we tend to hide what we really feel and shut our mouth from telling it. But not all have the characteristic to shut their mouth especially when the issue requires us to give opinion on something essential. Definitely, I am one of those babbly fellow who prefer speaking the "truth" (it’s relative in some cases depending on our perspectives) unminding the consequences that may or may not take place after spitting the hardly strong worded statements. Alas, truth really bites! But sometimes we have to be very very courageous to pull our strength to say the things that we think need to be spoken for a good reason. This is how I was raised by my family. My mom is a living legend-character who chooses to be heard rather than keeps things the way it is.

And so..I ask the question..’what about me?’. Yes, I feel like I deserve to have the things I ask. But I do not wish to say that I am being egocentric as many people know that I am never such a type. My clamor for  stability and security is the first thing that I would like to have. But don’t get me wrong…it’s not about money, nor fame, nor any materialistic things. I am thinking of more than these valuables.

What more I am asking for…genuine friendship! Not those people who used to like me because I have something for their advantage..Never to those who sit beside me and talk sweet words on me just to fish compliment from me…no way to people who appears to be outstandingly nice at me but stab me at my back!

For 26 years of existence in this world..I have only realized that I have very few friends whom I could consider to be "true". These are the people who inspires me to reach out more to others. They are one of the factor why I keep on believing that life may seems hard but a gentle tap from a friend’s hand will ease your day.

Now, I want more of this type of homo sapiens who knows how to care and who really listen to me. A person who just look at me in the eyes (with no malice at all o(^+^)o) and understand the battles I am fighting. Will sincerely and devotedly care for me and knows how to cheers me up. Howbeit, I dunno if I could ever find another one…Haay! Sigh!

Anyways, I am keeping my faith! Au revoire!

After a strenuous but enthusing day I decided to allow myself to have a leeway from work. A night of dazzling pictures and heart pounding Dolby surround sound system mesmerized my thought. It’s been quite a while since I went out with my barkadas on a weekday. But I must admit, though it is sacrificial, I became more focused and interested in my job. And I actually like what I’m doing and what I’m becoming of now…. Anyway, I took a cab and went to my usual tambayan. While on the road, the taxi driver, Lito, started to chat with me. He talked about the traffic and suggested we take the Paseo de Roxas instead of EDSA so that we’ll reach the place in shorter time and escaped the horrible traffic jam. Then he suddenly became more personal and asked me the nature of my job and my age. As a free-spirited young man with a sanguine personality I scholarly discussed my current position and took pride of the company I am connected. Then I decided to make the most of his company. I asked him of his provincial origin (because almost all taxi drivers I’ve come to know are all bisaya from either Mindanao or Visayas and that makes me feel comfortable). He said he is from Laguna (a place I don’t consider a province due to its proximity to the big metro). When it was his time to ask about my home town, he was a bit confused when I told him I’m from Cotabato City. He looked at me closely and said “I am sure you’re not a Muslim, but how come you were born and raised in that place? Isn’t that a troubled place with all the conflicts and those bad reports?” I sighed, and told him with might that I am raised and named as a Muslim. In fact I boasted that my name Selahuddin is so famous in the seven parts of the world and even beyond that I fear of not giving it justice for having it. I even told him that my name came from “Sultan Salahuddin Ayubi”, the hero of hundreds of battles, was the person who for twenty years braved the storm of the Crusaders and ultimately pushed back the combined forces of Europe which had come to swarm the Holy Land. The world has hardly witnessed a more chivalrous and humane conqueror. Then he said “You really don’t look like a Muslim.” I feel offended but I l look at myself wearing a corporate attire with no beard at all and sighed. I explained to him that the physical appearance does not define our faith but rather our firm belief and trust in our faith. I told him that a true Muslim is hygienic and always strives to look good and proper at all times. While he is nodding, I championed the more appealing qualities of a true Muslim and even cited the bible as a testament to the resemblances of the teachings of I’sah (Jesus, alaihis sallam) with the Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu aalihi wssallam) regarding cleanliness and proper grooming. Before I slept that night, I tried remembering my encounter with Lito. Then I recall the emotion I felt when he assumed of my religious affiliation. I realized that all this time, Many people still don’t know what a Moro is. A lot of people still have a different picture of a Moro in their mind. However, I ended up asking myself, do I really know who I am and why am I a Moro. For sure, I know how to eat palapa (a uniquely blended spices with chili pepper as the main ingredients) or wear malong (a customary woven cloth) and sometimes go to the mosque but are these enough for me to be called a Moro? What made me a Moro? How do I differ from the people I’m working with? Or is it important for me to have a distinction? That made me decide to read Salah Jubair’s Bangsamoro: A Nation Under Endless Tyranny, a scholarly written book on the historical, socio-political, and even economical accounts of the Bangsamoro. The book tells about the real story of the Bangsamoro’s eminent period in the history and the disheartening current circumstances of the Moros today. Shameful of my limited knowledge of my history and culture as a descendant of Jamiyun Kulisa and Tuan Masaika (both are believed to be the firsts identified persons who inhabited Sulu), I vowed to learn more of me as a Moro, a name that the Filipinos should be proud of. Because it was the Moros who succeeded in holding the Spanish colonization in abeyance and it was the name that first caught the attention of Madrid, London, Lisbon, and later America. And as the time capsule takes me to the deepest period of our history, I’ve come to understand that the name Moros refers to someone who is wise, just, good, and brave! There are numerous books and accounts that conceitedly talks about the Moros and the Mindanao, but invariably though, many historians have been biased or should I say oblivious in their vision to feel and grasp the totality of the real conditions of the Moros and our homeland. But even the present BM have been understanding deeply the history and the current struggle of the Moros, one can realize that the ferment beneath the conflict in Mindanao is profoundly embedded in our search for the national identity which we enjoyed way back before the Spaniards came. And a retrospective analysis of it could make one conclude that for four centuries of struggles, injustices and discrimination against the Moros still persist even in this modern time. Cynics may carelessly say that we might be the worse people in this planet ! But nay, the truth is, we, the Bangsamoro of Mindanao, like any other nation, can be as sincere and trustworthy; because we believe in the oneness of God and that everyone is equal in the eyes of God; because we can feel, understand, and even tolerate; because we know how to respect and ask for respect; because our contention is to do good to ourselves and to other people; because we don’t trample the rights of others as much as we don’t want others to stamp on our maratabat too! And undoubtedly, if there is anyone, anyone who craves for just and honorable peace, he is the Moro, because all throughout his existence he never tasted one! The world is changing so fast, but our once progressive and rich Mindanao is now behind almost everything. We suffered a lot from hardships and sorrows and we only realize now that we are indeed on the verge of extinction; socially, culturally, politically, economically, and even as a nation. Ironically, amidst these dilemmas and misfortunes, I still feel that we Bangsamoros are fortunate. Some may take this as an illusion but for me all of the questioning, the probing, and the defending or even asserting of our identity is an indication that we are a proud Moro. We are a brave and a courageous nation who unquenchably seek out for the truth and fight for the right. We do not easily give up and we can never be oblivious to the death of our forefathers who had fought for our freedom and well-being throughout our generation and perhaps the generations to come. But our time recognized that war itself is not the ideal way to achieve what we need but rather our faith and trust to one another and our common goal to make a meaningful change and to seek for a lasting solution. Certainly, we understand that change must begin from within us. Ultimately, the transformation from within each of us transforming into a more unified stance and action may be the more essential change that each of us should take to lead Mindanao and the whole Philippines towards development and prosperity. I understand that some of our leaders and many leaders of this country are responsible in our current hardships and confusions because they are self-serving rather than serving leaders. All the power, money, fame, and recognition move up the hierarchy, and they forget about us. Also, I am not unmindful of the devious and treacherous skills of the conquistadores in their sugar-coated baits alluring some of our poor leaders to mislead the Bangsamoro into a more destructive and hopeless future. But indeed the angst of realities strike me for we also have our share of the blames for we allow them, because we elected them and even to the extent of re-electing them in exchange for a day or perhaps a week’s meal. Nevertheless I am optimistic that things are changing right now. Many of the young Moros of today are getting up, and looking for the circumstances we want and if we can’t find them, make them. Many of us are not afraid to speak of the truth and stand firmly for what is right. The Moro Youth of today has more reasons to believe in trusting one another, in understanding more of each other, and bridging to one another by constant communication to support our visions, our ultimate goal, or that give us mobility to change direction. I am certain that majority of us believe that our visions, our values, and our vitalities for Mindanao will be the outcome. And certainly, it is during this period that indeed we witness how each one of us tries to be purposeful, conscious, caring, and careful to one another. We are actually witnessing the rebirth of a true Moro identity – never a coward, always seeks for truth, constantly vigilant, forever mindful of the past, the present and the future, tries to be righteous and just, and determined to make a meaningful change by learning from previous mistakes! And this is strongly exemplified by the fact that we are starting to put our faith to one another and we are proud that we have built enough of a network that we know through it we can create opportunities from opportunities until we find a long-lasting solution to our problem in Mindanao and the Philippines as a whole. I forgot where I’ve learned this notion of becoming an island of positive influence because all we read in the newspaper today are nothing, nothing but the rottenness of our political, economic, and social conditions. We forget to look at the unnamed and thousand people out there working everyday and trying to make a difference, and nobody thinks its news for a Moro. But for now, let me take a deep breath for I know that a time will come when there is no turning back, no stopping for every Bangsamoro in achieving progress, development, and freedom. I’ll brace myself for I see in the near future how many of us today are more willing to give their best to regain the lost eminence of the Bangsamoro. As long as we stand undivided and understand one another. May the Almighty One heed this humble prayer!

Blissful for being blessed and thankful for the glory….

I remember the time I joined the internship, the prestigious Congressional Internship Program for Young Muslim Leaders, it was full of vivid memories. I can even feel the emotion I felt when it was my time to enter what has been referred as “the end.” - a room where the lords find their places. It brought chills over my spine and twisted my soul to the very end. But I hold my self…up and high…for I thought that fear can never be my companion.

And so I entered and saw in full blast the images of what others called “lords”…Seriously, I got disappointed. For all I know…they are high and immortal…furious and stern…livid and scornful…but nay…not a strand of hatred!

And there it came…an assurance of a new beginning to which I am thankful…

I was a bit apprehended in joining the program as I have limited knowledge about it. But it has been my predicament and I always end up taking the risk. A risk that I will be very doubtful if ever I didn’t took. But what made me decide was for a fact that I admired those with great talents and beautiful minds to which I saw in my co-interns. It was indeed destined!

A lot of things happened…both good and bad…but we are all hopeful…despite discontentment…and I can surely say that the timing was just so right…Mabruk! HE really is a grand master planner!

And so I can say that I respond to the program because I believe that it supports my visions, personally and professionally, or that I thought it would give me the mobility to change direction. I decided to take part of the program because I believe that my goals and values, and even my vitalities for my family and my community as a whole will be the outcome.

And during the internship I tried with passion to be more intentful, conscious, caring, and careful. I have my faith to all of us and I am so proud that I have been a part of the brilliant network that for sure will have the chance to create opportunities from opportunities until we find the antidote of the poison that have strangled my homeland.

Godspeed to all!!

Here is the life of an unknown and an ordinary young man of our time, revealed with all his talents and contradictions, told openly, directly, in his own completely recognizable voice.

Introduction

What made me decide to write?

It’s eight in the morning..and it has been a long night for me..I drifted from sequence to sequence of wha’ seems to be an unending dream..I was only awaken by the loud chirpings of the love birds of mama Verge..but I i still feel the urged to sleep..

so what made me post here? I dunno..I just thought it’s great to share some buzz from me..and let other people comments from it..sometimes u’l get to learn a lot from an informal and spontaneous communication..

last night was our party at The Asia Foundation…great fun..very decent and simple..but it really rocked after presentations to presentations from different groups..I also did my presentation..and it was riout! Imagine I sang On My Own (a braodway song by Lea S.) and some serious songs only to end up singing Kapag Tumibok ang Puso (by Donna C)..hahaha..very funny indeed..well the idea came from my officemates..but it’s efective..I may be ridiculous but at least it tickles most of the audience..

Then after the reverberating clappings..we all settled down and laughed so hard..I dunno how many glass of red wine I hve gulped..but its effect is very calming…

While observing the people..I overheard some going home to their hometown to celebrate the yuletide season with their families…then I thought..We’re not celebrating x-mass!!! But on my way home, I called up my mom…asked them about their condition and how’s life back there. My "abe" (it’s an arabic word for dad) told me that he and my mom are having an LBM..I wasn’t able to control myself and blurted a roar of laughter by which my dad also laughed so hard…It has been a long time since I heard my abe laughing enormously back at me. I can’t even remember when was the last time..perhaps when I was a boy..but that was a long long time ago..a memoir that I could hardly remember..

I have a close relationship with my family but not that close..Whenever I got problem, I don’t share it to them. One time when I got emotionally down..and seriously I was at the brink of much loneliness and hopelessness (good lord !I haven’t thought of committing suicide..hehe), I cried alone at my room…for five months of crying and wondering…I lost my confidence and my eagerness to live..I struggled so hard..but desperate to move on..

A lot of things happened that  made things even complicated but I consider it as catalysts. All of those connive to push me to realize the importance of my existence in this world. I wouldn’t even accept the fact but it hitted me so hard that I fell down helplessly and breathed desperately…I thought I’m gonna die from the lack of air..I though I saw my physical body crippled by the inner pain while my soul drifted to nowhere…

I was once a jolly, gayous, and high-spirited lad! Careless and childish…but I have a sanguine personality to which I owe my ability to deal with different people from all walks of life…but it didn’t spared me from getting so hurt..not even the fact that I am so sweet and so true..I guess..

But all throughought my 25 years of existence…I have tried  to define and redifine myself..It’s a resolute definition of my life…

I hope you would all read my memoir..It’s a simple recollection of my life…and somehow might give you some pieces of advice from my mistakes and my triumphs…

Best Regards,

Shim / Laju’

My Daily Journal

                                                                              

“I daydreamed of tomorrows relentlessly,

Believing of what it may brings.

But I saw in my vision the misery,

The struggle that I must take,

Of realizing such meek and honest end.

My heart starts to doubt,

As I see visions from visions.

Indeed t’was an immense suffering!

I hear my very own voice weeping for pain

Sensing every ripping on every part of my flesh.

I forced my self not to believe

But the visions are too vivid for me to ignore.

Oh Lord! Mighty as you are, save me from this!

Tears soaked every inch of my clothes as I stumbled

Dreadfully lying on the earth but keeping my faith.

Then I heard a whisper of the sweetest melody,

Of words I won’t ever tell for it speaks of my future.

Instructing me to hold on to it and to whatever my heart desires.

Suddenly, a light breeze touched my face

Giving me a sense of relief and keeping me from distress.

I heard of my self…

Pushing me to stand and take heed of everything

“I must learn the art of living for me to succeed

For in this world full of uncertainties,

Faith clings to hope.”

In great attempts it is glorious even to fail….

        Even though I attended several examinations I still find myself uptight – that is a fact of life. Probably because it was a new field to which I am not well versed. As a Biologist, I find the lectures very different but of great interest. Every detail was a revelation. But the great irony of it, I found passion on it.

        The last Sunday of March was a day reserved for recapping, internalizing, and comprehending whatever we had learned from the two weeks intense academic training at MSU. It was tough but it wasn’t hard. The good thing about it is that we need not to memorize. Comprehension is the key. And once you understood the logic of it there you go. That was the bragging part of it. But in the actual examination, it wasn’t like that. A lot of factors make one question very strenuous and difficult to answer.

        The interns went to each of their most convenient and conducive place to study. I went to the golf course alone but later joined by some of them. The place is magnificent with all of its panoramic view and tranquil ambiance. It seems like mother nature knew my purpose and gave me the feeling of belongingness. I read the module by heart but I was interrupted by every question that popped in every time I came across with a new concept. I shrugged it off though to continue with my reading. Every detail was inviting and enticing urging me to learn more. Occasionally I stopped reading to reflect and get myself involved. I was in a deep contemplation when suddenly the rain poured in. It was quite annoying but it made me to think of the real world. Reading the module alone will not help me instead I have to recall every lecture that had been delivered. Learning cannot be achieved through reading alone but also by involving yourself and listening to every detail that has been said. I decided to go back at the Hostel to do my plan.

        I came at the hostel with my body soaked with the rain and thankful that I’d brought a plastic to cover my module protecting it from getting wet. I changed my clothes and dried myself. After which, I decided to take a nap to revitalize my thinking and my body. It was supposedly a short nap but stress and perhaps the coldness of the weather put me to a long slumber oblivious of the time. I woke up in the morning with my head bobbing from a slight pain and numbness. It was Monday then. Ouch! I missed the time.

“The people who get on in this world

are the people who get up

and look for the circumstances they want,

and if they can’t find them, make them.”

       

        It was

05:00 am

on Monday. I got agitated for it was the day of our examination. I got up and stretched myself to allow better circulation of my blood throughout my veins and hoping that my senses would function immediately. You know sometimes our lazy endorphins are lazy enough that a person must wait for the proper time before it could function very effectively. But I need not to wait for time is running very quickly – I always have that feeling every time an examination is approaching.

        After which, I opened my notes and my module and was engrossed immediately in reading. I remember some of the lines that our lecturers made and that was very helpful. Anyway, it was time to go. After doing the daily rituals at the Hostel we all went to the venue for examination.

        Minutes had passed. Ma’am Sor was still nowhere. Then an hour passed. Kuya Adom and I decided to take our brunch instead so we went to the nearby canteen. Roughly around 15 minutes I saw Ma’am Sor. We rushed to the examination room and find for my place.

        A few reminders were given before the exam started. Then we proceed in answering the questions. The exam was divided into two sets. Set A was given in the morning and consist of questions from the 1^st week of our lectures. Set B was given in the afternoon and composed mainly of lectures on the 2^nd week. Honestly, the questions seemed to be easy and expected. But it always depends upon the way our answers were written. Whether I had effectively conveyed my ideas was the hardest question I faced. I prayed prior to answering and promised to HIM that I will exert my very best and ask HIS guidance. I finished the exam and I don’t feel very comfortable with my answer but I feel relieved.

        So that was it! I just finished with the examination. Oops…I forgot we still have to prepare for our presentation on the following day. I thought anyway of having a nap first.

“You can either take action,

or you can hang back

and hope for a miracle.

Miracles are great,

but they are

so unpredictable.”

        In

Japan

, most of the companies there asked their employees to take a nap after lunch time. It was been widely practiced after a research was made comparing the performances of people who take a short nap after lunch and those who don’t and continually do their functions. The study revealed that a great increase on the creativity and performances of those who took a short nap after lunch was observed as compared to a slowing down of performances of those who don’t. It has been termed then as a power nap to refer to a very beneficial form of relaxation as it revitalizes and rejuvenates the body and the mind of the person.

        Anyway, I did that but again I failed waking up my self on the proper time. My biological clock was working piously and so I can’t just go against with it. I wasn’t even able to attend our group meeting – the Group 3. I woke up again the next day and got startled with the idea of not doing our presentation. I asked Kuya Adom to asked Ma’am Sor to move the presentation in the afternoon giving the most valid reason of power interruption even though it didn’t happen last night. So I took the chance and went to the Internet café. The timing was just quite right. No power interruption at all. I wondered.

        I had my previous research so it was easier for me only that I need some pictures for the presentation. I was quite aware of the other groups’ presentations. They made a movie maker. And so I decided to take a different path. I informed my group mates that I’ll be modifying some of our original plan. After they agreed I continued my work. I was at the café for four hours straight. I didn’t even felt the pang of hungriness for I was entirely absorbed in contemplation. At last I finished our presentation. I hurried back to the Hostel and beautified myself. Damn I looked very haggard. But anyway attitude can change it. I have to think that I’m extremely handsome and whalla…did I made mention of my look (hehehe).

        At

02:00 pm

, we started the presentation. Our group – the famous BLAAG: Task Force of Peace and Development – was placed as the last group to present. Dr. Ati was there together with Ma’am Sor and Sir Salipada. I cannot hide my feelings a well as with the guests. I was overwhelmed by the presentations of the other four groups. Each of them leaved an impression and a touching depiction of their topics. Of course we all have same theme and that is how to resolve

Mindanao

conflict and how to develop it.

        When our group was asked to present, I was so timid in the fear that they might not like what we did. However, all of our anxiousness was dumped as we get very positive reaction from all of them. I felt relieved.

        After the presentations, our beloved Dr. Ati and Ma’am Sor did their speeches. It was very emotional. I wasn’t aware that my tears fell down on my cheeks. The emotion was so heavy. It was a mixture of everything. We had a great time during our academic training and our coordinator was greatly supporting us ever since.  It was hard to bid goodbye. But we have a mission. This is my choice. I have to stay firm and go on with my plans. We will be trained as leaders and we have to learn how to pacify our hearts. Sacrifice our emotions and instead save it for the love of the people we will be serving in the near future. Inshaallah!

        Many thanks to our dear coordinator, Prof. Sorhaila Latip for everything she did to all of us. I am very indebted. I need not to write it here every detail for she knows all of it. In behalf of the group, our deepest and sincere appreciation. God bless and take good care always.